the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
