there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
...so i touched it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
