once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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