we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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