In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
