There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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