just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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