you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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