I wish I could teleport
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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