who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
