well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
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I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
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i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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