Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
