Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
