Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
