Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
