Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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