I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
