I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
