I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
