We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
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RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
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Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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