i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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