My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
