Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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