and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
