It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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