even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize