Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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