I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
