Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
And then he peed in my hair
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