just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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