After last night, I could never be a politician.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
