I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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