does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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