It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Randomize
