Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
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