i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
