I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
