i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
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I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
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Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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