When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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