I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
