Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
