allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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