YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My hand turned me down
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
