If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
