i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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