Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
