So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
