Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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