My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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