if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
