I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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