You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
