i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
