Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
