"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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