Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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