So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
