we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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