i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
