It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
