My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
