His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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