I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
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Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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