if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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