this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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